Traveling is Just Plane Fun

I had the distinct pleasure of traveling to California last week. While I was waiting for my plane to load up and take off I took some time to observe the classic stereotypes of travelers. I thought I’d share my experience and hope you see some of the same humor that I did.

First, there’s the “Road Warrior”. This is the guy that logs over 100,000 miles a year and watches most of his favorite television shows on the screen in the seat in front of him. He’s probably in sales, or close enough that he’s got to be in front of customers 4 days a week. He buys a lot of presents (birthdays, anniversaries, guilt gifts) in the shops along the concourse. The most fun you have watching this guy is when First Class is booked solid and he can’t use any of his gazillion frequent flier points to upgrade out of “cattle car” class into the “high life”. He sticks out like a sore thumb – he’s the only guy with a Rolex, freshly polished shoes, and cuff links. The only thing that could make his field trip to the “middle class” worse would be if he got stuck in a seat next to a mother and her hyper-active 2-year-old boy who likes to scream and shout along with the music on the headphones. Lucky for him, that was my fate…

Then there’s the “luggage shover”. This is the person who must somehow be related to Whodini, since they are convinced that any baggage they bring on the plane will magically fit into even the smallest space in the overhead compartment. Despite the best efforts of the airline and the TSA, their bag is always an inch too big. No matter how many times they push and shove their bag deeper into the compartment it never gets any smaller. Watching them slam the door repeatedly on the bag, while the line of impatient passengers steadily grows behind them, is now one of my favorite channels on the airline passenger reality channel. I’m sure if Douglas Adams were still alive he’d find some cosmic explanation for the difference between the space in the overhead compartment and the size of the carry on luggage. That, and the mismatch between the number of hot dogs and their buns, will continue to elude even Nobel Prize winning scientists.

The “stragglers” are my favorite, since they’re so damn annoying, but they are very entertaining. This is the couple that’s on their way to see the grandkids. They probably met at a USO dance in the 40’s and they’ve been taking their sweet time to get anywhere ever since. They’re the last two people to get on the plane, probably wondering why someone didn’t carry their bags from the little golf cart on the concourse into the plane for them. They obviously haven’t been on a plane for a while, since they open every closed overhead compartment to find a spot for their carry on luggage. Her bag is either a hat box or a make-up case (my mom still has one!) and his bag is full of all of the rest of her stuff that wouldn’t fit in her bag. For the best entertainment, cross your fingers and hope that the “shover” volunteers to help them create that magic space in the overhead to accommodate their bags. I’ve seen this quest for space take upwards of five minutes. If you’re not annoyed by the fact that you’ve already been in your plane sit for 30 minutes this can be very fun to watch. The cherry on top is when the “stragglers” discover that someone is already in their seats (they’re looking on the wrong side of the aisle) and they summon the flight attendant to sort it all out. The whole thing feels like a skit from the Benny Hill show. It would probably be funnier if you saw it in person.

Finally, there’s the mother traveling alone to see the grandparents with her two-year-old son. He’s cute, in the “I’m going to spill milk all over you” kind of way. Despite mom’s best intentions, and a large dose of cold medicine (intended to knock the kid unconscious), this kid is wired for sound. He wants everyone to know that he can hit the high notes for every song on the plane’s radio station. I’m not a “road warrior” and I don’t want to be, but I had the misfortune of being assigned the seat was right next to this bundle of joy and his saintly mother. When I sat down, I did my best to hide my disappointment, but the little boy’s mom could plainly see how “excited” I was to join them in the last row. The good news is that I learned a long time ago that a good pair of earphones, combined with an iPod full of loud heavy metal music, will get me through even the longest flight next to the loudest kid on the plane. After a brief greeting I dug out my earphones and plugged them deep into my ears as fast as I could.

Next time you travel, take a good look around at your fellow travelers. Despite the fun in the security line (can’t we make a dang machine that will detect bomb materials in shoes without me having to take them off?!?) and the delays at the gate, you might just have some fun playing “Name that Traveler” now that I’ve given you a few stereotypes to look for.