The Usual Suspects

In case anyone was truly worried, I didn’t flip a coin to decide who to elect for Commissioner last week. I couldn’t let such an important decision rest on the rotations of a quarter – I used a dartboard! Sorry the article was so short, but I was way behind on my work and I still needed to finish reading the Blue Book so I would know how to vote on all of the amendments. It was a good thing I finished reading everything before going to vote since I had my kids in tow. It turned out that having the kids with me made for a great educational experience. They’d spent the last two days learning about the electoral process and were really excited to see the polling place, or should I say voting place. For the first time in what may be months they were quiet and not fighting with each other while I showed my I.D. card and received my ballot. We found a booth in the back row and the kids watched intently as I filled in the little rectangles with my pencil. As I worked my way up the ballot to the presidential candidates (I like to vote backwards, judges first, then the amendments, president last) I softly asked my kids “Who do I vote for President?” My son replied “Rock Bomma”. I asked him why and he answered “Cause his name is cool!” Oh well, good thing they don’t run political commercials on PBS or the Disney Channel. Needless to say, the kids enjoyed watching me vote and somehow felt like they were voting too; I’m glad they came along. I found out the next day that the kids did their own voting – cats versus dogs; cats won by a landslide; that makes no sense to me whatsoever.

My favorite part of the newspaper, besides my own article of course, is the Police and Sheriff’s crime reports. Around my house we refer to that section as the “Bad Guy Boo-Boos”, “Idiots on Parade”, or “What NOT to Do In Gilpin County”. I thought I’d take a stab at writing my own version of the crime reports for your entertainment:

• On such and such day at somewhere around 0130 hours (that’s police talk for 1:30am) Officer so-and-so observed a man driving south on Highway 119 weaving back and forth across the double yellow line. After putting on the bright red and blue lights the man pulled over, into a ditch, highsiding the ‘86 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme he was driving. After Officer so-and-so determined that the vehicle’s registration was expired he approached the driver’s side of the car only to be greeted by the smell of cheap whiskey and something like sage brush. The driver obviously had not been using a seatbelt, as he was sitting in the passenger seat. Officer so-and-so asked the man if he was in fact the driver of the vehicle. The man answered, claiming that the driver was no longer here, and could he get a ride home from the officer to Lakewood. When asked where the driver went, the man replied “Mars?” The man was taken into custody and charged with driving while stupid.
• On the same day, at around 0145 someone called dispatch to report a small green man walking south on Highway 119.
• On the next day, at around 1905 (that’s police talk for 7:05pm) Officer so-and-so was called to the Whatever Casino on a report of missing money. The woman told the officer that she kept putting her money in the change machine but no quarters were coming out. The officer advised the woman that she was sitting at a slot machine and to try pulling the handle. The woman became angry, accusing the casino of stealing her bus money, until she accidentally pushed the “Play Now” button and hit the super slot jackpot for $5,342. She thanked the officer for his help and asked if someone could call her a taxi to get home with all her winnings.
• On the same day, at around 2200 (10:00pm), someone called dispatch to report a small green man sitting along side Highway 119.
• On the same day, at around 2300, Officer so-and-so was dispatched to the Somethingelse Casino on a report of a missing wallet. The victim was obviously hammered and had no idea where they left their wallet let alone what casino they were in. The case is still open, but nobody expects the wallet to reappear out of thin air. The victim was taken home by a small green man driving an Oldsmobile.
• On the same day, at around 2330, Officer so-and-so was dispatched to Mountain View Drive on a report of two dogs at large. The Officer contacted the owner who told him that one dog had already come home but the other one was probably coyote bait. The Officer shrugged his shoulders, wished the owner good luck, and seriously considered another career as a Black Jack dealer. No summons was issued. No idea if the second dog ever made it home.
• On the next day, at around 0930 hours, a small green man was spotted by Officer so-and-so driving a late model Oldsmobile on Highway 119. The license plate, with renewed registration stickers, matched the same one that was pulled over two nights earlier. The Officer shook his head and kept driving…
• On the same day, at around 2315 (11:15pm), Officer so-and-so responded to a home poker game at something-or-other Coyote Circle. One of the players, frustrated at losing to a pair of 2’s when he had a straight draw and flush draw (13 outs!), had thrown a water bottle on the ground, splashing all the players at the table. Nobody was injured. No summons was issued. The player was warned not to expect to hit a flush draw every time.
• On the same day, at around 2325, at the same poker game, the same player was reported missing with all the money for the poker game. The player and the money was found. No summons was issued. The other players were warned not to let this guy hold all the money at the next game.